I thought the volume 2 thing was funny don't judge me, or do I probably won't care. So I've lowkey been having a crap time recently (not to that extent don't worry) and I thought I'd write about it since you guys seemed to want more Getting Real With Flynn posts and I'm going to try and think of some storytimes too. I've had a slight struggle with school and everything, like I said I probably would in all of the blog posts I pre wrote before I went back. Truth is year 11 sucks and it's tough but you know what a lot of things are gonna suck more and are tougher but that's just life and I've come to realise that there is nothing I can do about it. As much as I hate the world and think that everything should be exactly the way I want it and no one should have power of me on simple things (obviously not the law, except stupid ones), that's sadly not how it is. So I just have to enjoy life as best as I can because what is the point of living if you're not really living. There's a song lyric that I love that says "there's more to life than just to live" and I couldn't agree more. When I went through the whole thing with my mental health last year I felt as if everything was pointless, like I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to sings, dance, go to archery, go on holiday, go anywhere to be honest, I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to leave my bed, I just wanted to drink water and sleep. That's my best way to explain depression to you, complete numbness and emotionlessness, however when're anything threatened that it would become instant sadness. Obviously before I started wanting to just sleep for the rest of my life, I was getting panic attacks (which was relatively normal) but I was getting them more often and worse, I would cry until my eyes hurt so badly that I physically couldn't cry anymore. What made it worse was that I didn't know why I was so sad, angry and down. I just wanted so desperately to know why, I'm a very logical person and I need answers to everything otherwise I HATE it. I ended up needing an inhaler because I would get so worked up that I couldn't breathe, there was one night that I've only ever told one person about where I was screaming and saying I felt like I was trapped. I don't know why I felt like that I don't know if it was because part of me wanted to be happy and do all the things I used to love but a bigger part of me was stopping that from happening. When I first started getting help I used to say that was me getting in the lift and I wanted to go up as many levels as possible. Any time I would refer to it as getting in the lift any time I went to therapy or did an exercise or talked to someone. I have amazing control over all of this now and it makes me soo incredibly proud of myself. I know that it takes a lot of work and it has been hard but I have so much more positivity then I used to. This time last year I would've cried and self sabotaged I would've ruined friendships and told people they shouldn't care about me. Now I'm going even further up in the lift everyday. I'm very partial to an analogy and I feel like it helps a lot of people understand. What I'm basically trying to say is life is a rollercoaster so pick yourself up, get into that lift and start pressing those frickin buttons. Press them all if you like, I'm sure I did. I love you all and remember to message me if you need any advice or want to request a blog post. I post every Monday, follow me on instagram @angelicflynn and join the angels.
flynnie x x x
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